


Shadows of the Heart

by FenZev



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FenZev/pseuds/FenZev
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth about Anders' past threatens his relationship with Hawke when a former lover goes missing. Slight AU telling of the Finding Nathaniel quest from DA2 Act 3 with flashbacks of Awakening. F!Hawke/Anders/Nathaniel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_**Author's note: Many thanks to Ekocentric for allowing me to use her beautiful artwork for the cover of this story on fanfic.net, and to Erana for her creative input and title.  
** _

* * *

 

"Now do you see?" Hawke asked, just managing to keep the smugness from her voice. "I told you they wouldn't dare do anything to upset me."

Anders released her hand and stepped forward, eyes narrowed as he peered through the crowds of the marketplace. Hawke followed his gaze, watching as the Templar that had passed them a minute ago continued on his way without a backward glance. As soon as the Templar turned the corner Anders turned his attention back to her. "He just walked right by us," he said, the confusion plain in his voice.

Hawke shook her head and reached for his hand again with her own. "I'm the Champion of Kirkwall, Anders," she explained, and not for the first time. "It's thanks to me that this marketplace even exists. They won't dare..." her voice trailed off and she was silent for a moment. "Well, maybe it would still exist. I don't know. Do the Qunari have marketplaces, do you think? I suppose they'd have to. They have to get all their armor from _somewhere_. Or maybe they have people whose only purpose is to fulfill armor orders..."

Anders allowed himself to relax, perusing a nearby stall for weapons and tuning out the sound of Hawke's rambling voice. Ever since she'd defeated the Arishok, Hawke had been after him to spend a day in the Hightown marketplace with her, helping to outfit her group of misfits in new weapons and armor. He'd steadfastly refused her for weeks, claiming that Lowtown was far safer. The Templars would be forced to move against him if he paraded himself in front of them, he'd insisted.

Sometimes, it was nice to be wrong.

Anders picked up a small dagger from a table of wares, turning it over and running his thumb along the edge. "This would be perfect for Isabela," he said, trying to bring Hawke back around to the point of their excursion.

Hawke released his hand to pick up the second, identical dagger, holding it up to the sun. The blue decorative jewels in the hilt sparkled. "Oooh," she murmured appreciatively. "Nice catch." She turned a smile on the merchant and began to talk price.

Anders watched her charm the woman into giving her the pair of weapons for almost half the price, wondering how many times a man could fall in love with the same person. He'd never seen this side of her before. So much of their time together was spent in battle and blood. Even the quiet times spent alone in her mansion couldn't compare to seeing her amongst the people of Kirkwall. She was enchanting.

"Well, that's one down," Hawke commented with a self-satisfied smile. She opened her mouth to say something else, but was interrupted when they both heard someone call out her name. They turned as one to the source of the exclamation, Hawke's expression turning to one of bitter disappointment. "One day, Anders, I just wanted one damn day..."

Anders gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as a dark-haired woman headed towards them through the crowd. "Maybe it'll be something quick, and we can continue to pretend to be normal when we're through."

"More than for an hour, maybe?" Hawke asked, softening the bitterness of the question by smiling at him before stepped forward to meet the woman. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Mistress Hawke, I apologize, but I must speak with you," the woman said in a rush. "You're the only one that can help!"

"Calm down," Hawke told her in a soothing voice. "You have my attention. What is it I can do for you?"

"The Wardens mounted an expedition to retrace your route through the Deep Roads. They wanted to explore whatever it was you found years ago. It's a fool's errand, and my poor brother is with them - Nathaniel Howe."

"Delilah?" Anders gasped. "Maker, it is you, isn't it?"

Hawke tried to ignore the way Anders immediately released her hand upon hearing Nathaniel's name. But it was harder to ignore the quiet, distant look in his eyes. The pained, sorrowful expression that veiled his face she'd seen only once before, when he spoke of Karl.

It had taken him years to get over that death, seeing someone he once loved made tranquil. But Anders had made his peace with it, had opened up his heart again for her. And, with the exception of the growing tension between mages and Templars, the two lived together in a blissful, romantic relationship. He'd spend his days in the clinic, healing and helping people, while she ran around Kirkwall assisting whomever with whatever needed doing now that she was officially their Champion.

The nights were theirs, though. He'd return to the estate, his permanent place of residence, and they'd stay up for hours. Reading, talking, making love until the sun disappeared behind the mountains. And with each morning came the promise - to return to each other the following night.

Something changed, though, the moment Delilah Howe mentioned her brother's name. "You two know each other?" Hawke asked Anders, not entirely certain she wanted to hear his answer.

"I knew Nathaniel, yes. We were in the Wardens together in Amaranthine," Anders told her.

Before her, then, Hawke realized. Before Justice. Back when Anders was carefree, relaxed, funny and not so serious. At least that's how her distant cousin, the Warden-Commander, had described him, when she'd found out Hawke and Anders were together through their correspondence. The mage that Solona Amell spoke of was far different from the one that stood beside Hawke, the one she had come to love.

"Wait. I remember you," Delilah said. "You were there the day Nathaniel first came to find me, after he'd returned to Ferelden."

Anders nodded. "Yes. It was a... difficult day for your brother, hearing the truth about his father from someone other than the Commander."

"Do you know any other details?" Hawke asked Delilah, interrupting her conversation with Anders in an attempt to get the woman back to the point. "We cleaned that place out last time we were there, why were the Wardens interested?"

Delilah continued to study Anders for a moment, as if she were going to say something else, but she refrained. "I know almost nothing," she said sadly to Hawke instead. "It was only by happenstance that I heard your name mentioned. Nathaniel never speaks about the Wardens," she added, eyes still on Anders. "After what happened at Vigil's Keep, well, my brother hasn't been the same since. He's volunteered for every suicide mission the Warden's had to offer, and yet has survived. Only this time, I fear the worst."

Hawke cast a side glance at Anders, who obviously knew whatever it was that had happened to change the man. A conversation for when Nathaniel's sister wasn't around, Hawke decided.

"We'll find him," Anders assured Delilah. "We'll leave for the Deep Roads immediately."

"We will?" Hawke asked.

Delilah didn't hear her. Instead she threw her arms around Anders. "Oh, thank you. Bring my brother home safely, please."

Anders returned her embrace, until a subtle cough from Hawke had the two pulling apart. "I have a room at the Hanged Man," Delilah told them. "Please, send word to me when my brother is safe."

Hawke watched the raven-haired woman disappear through the crowds of Hightown, disbelief forcing her feet to remain firmly where she stood. She wasn't sure exactly what had just happened. Turning to Anders, she asked, "Since when are you in a rush to go back into the Deep Roads? Didn't you swear to never return again?"

Anders reached for her hand, but Hawke stepped back out of reach. "I need to do this," he whispered. "I owe it to Nathaniel. If he's in trouble, if anything has happened to him..."

Hawke took a deep breath, bracing herself. "This history between you two," she said. "I'm not going to like it, am I?"

"It was a long time ago," Anders said dismissively. "We should get going if we're going to find him in time."

"Fine," Hawke said, more harshly than she had intended to. "I'll go see if Varric and Fenris are available. Head back to the estate and tell Bodahn to prepare to leave."

"Hawke!" Anders called to her, his tone pleading.

It pained her to walk away angry, but Hawke knew if she remained it would only result in a fight. "Time is of the essence, remember?" she said, moving in the direction of Fenris' mansion. She didn't dare look back, knowing he would be watching her. Being involved with him, Hawke knew better than anyone the amount of secrets he kept.

She just didn't like knowing he was keeping them from her.


	2. Chapter 2

Hawke rolled over to find the bed empty, Anders' side cold and undisturbed. The outline of his form shown in the flickering shadows from the fireplace, and she turned to see him gazing into the flames. "Have you not slept?" she asked, though it was more of a statement.

"My thoughts have prevented that luxury," Anders replied, failing to turn and face her. "There is much I haven't told you of Amaranthine," he continued. "Some of it I never wanted you to know."

Hawke sat up, adjusting the covers and making room on the bed for Anders to sit beside her. "I want to know," she assured him. "My anger stems from you hiding things from me, you know this. I love you."

Anders looked at her over his shoulder. "I fear your opinion of me will change when I tell you."

Hawke smiled. "I doubt that. Come," she said, patting the mattress. "Relieve yourself of this burden."

He walked over to the bed and sat beside her, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. His eyes remained fixated on the fire as he began his story. "I wasn't with the Wardens long when Nathaniel arrived. Smug, arrogant, and dangerous. He threatened Solona on more than one occasion for what she had done to his father, his family."

Hawke tried to suppress her anger. "Even after knowing what his father had done to Ferelden?"

"See that's just it, Nathaniel wasn't convinced the rumors were true," Anders continued. "He wasn't in Ferelden during the Blight. He returned from the Free Marches to find his home gone and his name tarnished forever, all because of the Grey Wardens. It was… a difficult adjustment for him. He was caught on the grounds of Vigil's Keep, imprisoned for trespassing since the Keep was now property of the Wardens. When he first met Solona, he called her a murderer, and it was clear in his eyes he lived only to kill her."

"Why would she conscript him then?" Hawke asked. "Seems it would've been easier to just take him out rather than constantly worry about him slitting her throat in the middle of the night."

"Sometimes Solona's heart was too pure for her own good," Anders said quietly. "At the time she had no family she was aware of, so they became kindred spirits almost. I didn't pay him much mind until we heard from a groundskeeper that Nathaniel had a sister, Delilah, in Amaranthine. When Nathaniel asked Solona and I to accompany him in finding her, that's when the relationship between he and I changed."

* * *

_"Nathaniel!" Delilah exclaimed as they approached. "I had feared the worst."_

_Anders watched as the newest Grey Warden embraced the small woman, a softer side of the archer he hadn't seen before. In an instant, the stoic walls Nathaniel had continued to keep up around him came crashing down. His face softened, his stance relaxed, and the only words that escaped him were of love and affection for his sister._

_"You can do better than this," Nathaniel said, glancing over his shoulder at his commander. Anders watched as Solona gave a nod, approving some unspoken request. "Come back to the estate," Nathaniel told Delilah. "Come home."_

_Her laugh surprised them all. "Oh Nathaniel, I chose this life, I adore my husband! I was so glad to get away from Father's evil - this life is so much better."_

_Nathaniel's confusion was clear in his suddenly guarded expression. For months all he had heard was the wrongs his father had committed, but a part of him never believed. Hearing such harsh words from his sister…_

_"You weren't here," Delilah said sadly. "You didn't see what he did. If you're looking for the culprit who destroyed our family you are too late, as Rendon Howe is already dead. It was him, without question."_

_No," Nathaniel said, turning his back on her. "Not you too."_

_Delilah placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You always did worship Father, right from when you were a little boy. But you are a man now, and there are things you need to hear."_

.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.

_Solona had left Anders to wait for Nathaniel at the Crown and the Lion while she attended to some political business at the Chantry. When his fellow Warden entered the establishment he looked troubled, far from his usual demeanor. Anders cautiously asked, "Was it a good visit?"_

_Nathaniel sat beside him at the table in the far corner of the inn. "She said she wants me to return," Nathaniel replied. "Meet her husband. She is even with child, due in the spring. She seems… happy."_

_Anders leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. "And yet you look as if your world is crumbling," he commented._

_"In a way it has," Nathaniel responded. "She said Father deserved to die. I always thought he had his reasons. It was war, for Andraste's sake. Before I left for the Free Marches, he was never… how can one person change so much?"_

_"Sometimes you just don't know a person," Anders offered. "Or when they are placed in impossible situations, they do the unthinkable."_

_"No," Nathaniel said. "Do not try to justify his actions. I have done so for so long, and there is nothing that could've been so terrible as to wipe out the Couslands, conspire to kill the Grey Wardens, turn his back on our people, our country!" He slammed a fist on the table. "If I hadn't left, I might have even helped him, Maker forgive me."_

_Anders placed his hand on Nathaniel's. "You can not blame yourself for not knowing. Sometimes we are too blind to see the worst in those we love the most."_

_"I am just like him," Nathaniel continued, lost in his own thoughts. "I returned here with nothing but a vengeful heart, prepared to do exactly what my father tried to do. Kill every Warden who stood between me and Solona, the one who took his life. Now I wish she had decided to let me die in that dungeon. I am no better than he, truly my father's son."_

_"You are nothing like Rendon Howe," Anders insisted, squeezing Nathaniel's hand. "I have no doubt had you been here, you would have tried to make him see reason. For all your bravado you have too kind a heart to end up ever becoming as he was."_

_Nathaniel stared at their clasped hands. "How can you be so sure?"_

_"We are not much different, you and I," Anders began. "You are hated because of your family name and I am hated for being a mage, yet neither of us had a choice in the matter. But instead of wallowing in self pity you've tried to better your name, as I hope one day to better the opinion of mages. As not all Howe's are treacherous traitors and murderers, not all mages are abominations or blood mages."_

_"Do you think such change is possible?" Nathaniel asked. "For either of us?"_

_"I like to believe we have begun doing so already, just by being Wardens, and helping fight this fight," Anders said. "It's not perfect, but it's a start."_

* * *

"That was the most Nathaniel and I had ever spoken since we met," Anders told Hawke. "It was the start of many conversations, many nights talking about our struggles with doing what's right in spite of how the world saw us."

"A strong foundation for a friendship," Hawke stated, seeing the parallel between their lives.

Anders nodded. "Besides Solona, there was another mage Warden with us, Velanna, but her and I never got along. She had such a chip on her shoulder, she and I could never be friends. And as much as I adored Solona she was my Commander, and didn't have time for idle chatter, now the one in charge of the politics in Amaranthine as well. The two dwarves and I had little in common, and at first, being around Justice was just awkward with him possessing a corpse and all, so that left Nathaniel and I. Some might say it was inevitable that we ended up as close as we were."

"And how did you end up that close?" Hawke asked. "Was it hours of late night chatting like you and I? Or was there some event that caused you to cross the friendship line?"

"There was never any flirting between us," Anders told her. "I wasn't even aware Nathaniel had any interest in me, in that way. It wasn't until we re-visited the Blackmarsh after acquiring Justice that things between us had changed forever."


	3. Chapter 3

"'Changed forever'," Hawke echoed. "You make it sound so ominous."

Anders continued to stare into the fire. "It was. Or, at least, it ended that way." He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Relationships of any kind were always frowned on in the Circle. Up until then I'd had very few people I was close to, friend or otherwise. What Nathaniel and I shared… it meant something to me. He was a companion, a brother, and the closest I'd ever come, at the time, to a soul-mate."

"That sounds fairly intense," Hawke commented.

Anders shrugged. "Justice may have amplified it, but my passions have always been my own. I was better at hiding it back then, of course, thanks to the Templars. I pretended to take nothing seriously, and most people didn't bother to look deeper. Karl discovered otherwise, as my lover. Nathaniel, as my friend."

"Until the Blackmarsh," Hawke prompted.

Anders nodded. "That was the beginning of the physical side," he confirmed. "I certainly hadn't seen it coming, though…"

* * *

_"My father used to tell me stories about the Blackmarsh," Nathaniel told Anders, as they walked along the wooded path. "He said evil magic killed everyone here. This was just before the rebellion, and a great mystery at the time. Once the monsters appeared, the marsh was abandoned. And now here I stand, and it seems so peaceful."_

_"It wasn't easy cleaning this place out," Anders said._

_"I used to dream of coming to the Blackmarsh, setting things right," Nathaniel continued. "I imagine the Orlesian usurper brought in the Baroness to replace the local Banns. Taking her down and restoring this place will be something the locals will talk about for decades to come."_

_Anders shook his head. "You should be grateful you weren't with us. Entering the fade, fighting the Baroness… I'd just as soon never even think of it again."_

_"And yet you did it. I doubt you'll get a mention in the tales, though. Our commander will get that honor." There was admiration in Nathaniel's tone, but also a touch of bitterness._

_"Well, she is the one that ultimately killed the Baroness. And the archdemon, a few other dragons, a brood-mother or two? I forget. She sure does seem to be rackin' up the hero points," Anders agreed. "Personally I'll skip the mention, thanks. The less my name gets spread around, the better. Anonymous Grey Warden number two works just fine for me."_

_"Hard to believe I am now a Grey Warden as well," Nathaniel said. "Fighting both darkspawn and demon. Fate is certainly interesting."_

_"And alone in the marshes with an apostate," Anders stated. "Bet you never saw that one coming."_

_Nathaniel laughed. "No, I can't say that I did. Though I'd prefer no one else accompany me on this foolish endeavor."_

_"Visiting an old nightmare set right is foolish?" Anders asked. "Well then count me in for all of your foolishness."_

_Nathaniel stopped walking, studying Anders seriously. "Do you mean that?"_

_Anders frowned. "Uh, mean what?"_

_"You would wish to embark on all my foolishness?"_

_"Well, within reason," Anders replied. "If you were to suggest we run naked through the marsh, for instance, I would have to question your sanity."_

_Nathaniel shook his head. "I used to think you were impossible to talk to. Now you are the only person I can tolerate speaking to. Well, besides Justice. Though he's not really a person, is he, a spirit trapped in a corpse. He's more… I don't know. Not of the norm."_

_"Was there a compliment in there somewhere?" Anders joked._

_"Perhaps," Nathaniel said, continuing to head towards the still-abandoned town. They were silent for a time, until Nathaniel stopped once more in front of what had been the Baroness' fortress. Now, however, it was just an empty building. A few birds fluttered above them, the first signs of life they'd seen since entering the once haunted place._

_"When Delilah told me what Father was doing before his death, I thought she must be mistaken. Or, at least, she didn't know the whole story. I was sure there must have been a reason. But then I think of what the Commander said she saw, the torture and everything in Denerim… I'm starting to believe them. That he was truly just evil… or, at least, became so."_

_"What point is there thinking about that now?" Anders questioned, having heard this from Nathaniel before._

_"I've been so angry, these past few months," Nathaniel said. "I wonder if that's how it started, for him. My entire life I sought his approval, wanted him to be proud. I wanted to be him. Now that thought terrifies me. Perhaps I'm already on the same path."_

_Anders shook his head. "I thought you'd moved beyond these thoughts. I told you before, you are nothing like your father. Not that I knew the man, mind you, but I know you. And I know there's a kind heart that beats in your chest, unlike the blackness that burned in his."_

_Nathaniel sighed. "Some days I am not so sure. But I didn't bring you out here to discuss my existential angst," he stated, expression turning apprehensive. "There was another reason I wanted you to accompany me on this excursion."_

_"Oh? Is this the part where you ask me to run naked through the marshes with you? Because I already told you, that's where I draw the line."_

_"Maker, can't you ever be serious?" Nathaniel asked, exasperated. He hesitated a moment, then suddenly stepped forward, closing the distance between them, and pressed his lips against Anders' own. Anders froze for a moment, stunned, his mind flashing back to the last time he'd been kissed by a man; frenzied, stolen moments in the tower with Karl, adrenaline coursing through his veins at the ever-present danger of discovery. Nathaniel's tongue slipped between Anders' lips, caressing the inside of his mouth as his fingers gently grazed the mage's cheek. The world seemed to slip away, and Anders found himself finally responding, unable to resist that gentle pressure._

_A moment later, or perhaps an hour later, Nathaniel pulled away, his eyes locked intensely onto Anders' own. Anders took a moment to recover his breath, and his wits, before replying. "Um, yes. I mean, I can be. Now," he managed, fumbling over the words._

_Nathaniel looked away, down towards the ground. "I have wanted to do that for a long time," he admitted. "A feeling my father would no doubt disapprove of."_

_Anders brought his hand to Nathaniel's face, lifting his chin to look into his eyes. "And yet you did it anyway," Anders said. "How far are you willing to go to defy his ghost?"_

_Nathaniel offered Anders a rare smile. "As far as you'll let me."_

* * *

"So that was the first time you two were together?" Hawke asked.

Anders nodded. "It was unexpected, obviously, and exciting. I hadn't been with anyone since joining the Wardens. Nathaniel surprised me that day, but it was a welcome surprise. From that moment until the darkspawn invasion, we were inseparable."

"You've never talked about the actual attack," Hawke prompted, curious if he would tell her.

"It's not something I wish to speak of now, either," Anders answered. "Just know that by the end of it, Nathaniel and I had parted ways. That's when I left the Wardens. It was not an easy decision for me, but it was better for him. I knew he was ashamed of his desires; the ghost of his father was never very far away, so I left after the battle before it was too late for either of us."

"And Justice went with you."

"He did," Anders confirmed. "We merged shortly after, with the help of a few apostates I knew. That's when I heard Karl had been moved to Kirkwall. So we came here after, and, well… you know the rest."

"I may know the rest, but I still don't know the complete story," Hawke stated, though she didn't want to push beyond that. "I suppose we all have stories and secrets we don't share, even with the ones we claim to love."

Anders turned to face her. "I _do_ love you," he said. "We are talking about things that happened a lifetime ago. Before you, before Justice, even. I was another person back then, almost literally. For all these years there has been only you. Certainly you can't question my devotion to you now?"

"I don't," Hawke assured him. "But I do question what will happen when you are finally confronted by that past you've been avoiding." She turned to see the sun had begun to rise. "I suppose I'll have my answer soon."


	4. Chapter 4

Anders paused at a crossroads in the tunnels, closed his eyes, and inhaled the scent of the caverns. Hawke folded her arms across her chest, wondering just how they were going to find one man in the middle of this maze. "I don't think smelling the darkspawn is going to help you," she stated with an annoyed huff. "Unless you Wardens enjoy the smell of tainted ichor?"

He ignored her sarcasm as he focused on the feeling that was burning in the pit of his stomach. It had hit him like a ton of stone the second they entered the Deep Roads entrance, and grew stronger with every step he took. Anders hadn't felt this feeling in years, what seemed like decades, and it nearly overwhelmed him. While it brought him the comforted feeling of coming home again, it also devoured him in anticipation and anxiety. To see Nathaniel again after all this time, after what he had done…

There was no point dwelling on that now. They were here, and the inevitable was soon to happen. After a moment, Anders opened his eyes and turned to look at Hawke. "Have you ever caught the scent of something familiar in the air?" he asked her. "A hint of the past, someone you knew, and in an instant, you believe they are right there beside you?"

"Yes," Hawke admitted, realizing there may have been more to what he was doing than taking in the toxic air. "Sandalwood and cedar do it for me every time. My father would spend hours with the local wood merchant in Lothering, and whenever he'd return home, that scent clung to him as if it were his own. I can not go by any woodcutter's shop in any city without thinking of him."

Anders nodded in understanding. "The taint works in a similar fashion, a kind of sixth sense if you will. While the darkspawn feel one way, heavy with death and nearly painful, each Warden has their own unique signature that encompasses the very essence of who they are."

"And you can feel other Wardens, and know Nathaniel is among them?" Hawke asked.

"As if he were beside me," Anders whispered. "Even if we were in total darkness, I could find him and follow that feeling, just as the scent of your father would grow stronger the closer you were to him."

Hawke watched her lover as he closed his eyes again, no doubt trying to feel for Nathaniel's direction. "Wouldn't Nathaniel feel the same then? Come find you as well?"

"He could," Anders replied. "Though he won't."

"Why?" Hawke didn't understand. "If you two were as close as you say, why would he not come running around the corner any minute now?"

Anders slowly opened his eyes, and set his gaze upon her. "For him it is no different than the scent of sandalwood for you. A memory, the past, and nothing more." He considered telling her the entire truth at that moment, but the idea of Nathaniel being so close was causing a driving desire to find him. "We should move on."

Hawke wanted to question him further, but Anders had already begun walking down the right tunnel, apparently having decided which one Nathaniel had travelled before. "Why do I get the feeling there's more to this story he's not telling us?" Varric asked.

"You know Anders," Hawke said with a shrug. "Mysterious and full of secrets."

"That reveal themselves in the form of danger," Fenris continued as he joined the two. "I would trust these Wardens even less than that mage."

Hawke looked over her shoulder to smile at her warrior friend. "Someone you trust less than Anders?" she quipped. "My Fenris, there's hope for you two to become friends yet."

Fenris snarled with his reply. "Doubtful."

.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.

The tunnels went on forever, each bend and corner bringing back memories of their previous trip. Even though this time they were fully stocked, well prepared, and had no intention of starving for days again, Hawke still felt uneasy at their return.

They seemed to be moving at a quicker pace this time, which she attributed to the familiarity of their surroundings and the lack of things to kill. No darkspawn, no spiders, no evil glowing red rock things to attack. She'd never admit it, for fear of admonishment, but Hawke was growing a bit bored at the lack of action.

"We're almost there," Anders whispered to her, knowing her body language well enough to know she was becoming restless. "He's alone, as far as I can tell."

"Delilah mentioned others were with him," Hawke said. "Separated from them? Or scouting alone?"

Anders shrugged. "He was always a bit of a loner, he may have volunteered to stay back and protect their exit."

"Or he's hoping to scout us out," Varric offered. "You said this taint thing works both ways, maybe the warm and fuzzies in his belly have him curious."

Hawke giggled at Varric, but immediately controlled herself when the stern look came from Anders. "This is not a joking matter Varric," Anders reprimanded, his nerves getting the best of him. "If he's alone, the others may be dead, or worse."

"There is worse than death?" Fenris questioned, raising a brow. "I hadn't known."

Anders threw up his hands in frustration, wishing that the elf and the dwarf hadn't accompanied them. If he was being truthful, he didn't want Hawke there either. This reunion would be difficult enough without it being done in front of her. Though she claimed to understand the meaning of his past relationship with Howe, there was no telling how Nathaniel's reaction to her may be. Or to him.

"Let's leave Bodahn, Sandal, and our supplies here," Hawke suggested. "As I recall we're close to the end of our journey; anything further is just backtracking, and the cart's wheels echoing off the walls are starting to grate on my nerves."

"We will await your return," Bodahn said with a bow, already untying ropes to free some of their goods. "A nice meal will be waiting when you get back."

Hawke didn't wait for anyone else to agree or argue, setting out to the path in front of them. She wanted this ordeal over, this confrontation to happen, and then run like hell out of these tunnels. The tension mounting between Anders and Fenris with the walls seeming to close in on them was enough motivation for her to accept whatever was around the next corner, as long as it meant they were one step closer to leaving.

They went further on, each corridor beginning to look like the last, and the ache in Hawke's feet only added to her ever growing foul mood. So when Anders called for them to stop, she turned quickly with unintended anger. "Stop why? We go forward or we go back, but we go Anders. I'm sick of this place already..."

A shriek in the distance quieted her rant. "Darkspawn," Anders stated.

What should've provoked fear instead had Hawke sighing in relief. "Finally, some action!" She withdrew her weapons, as did the others, and they rounded the corner to find several of the creatures closing in on a man.

He fought valiantly against his attackers, even if outnumbered. Hawke assisted as she watched one dagger in the strangers hand slice the throat of a darkspawn. He then spun around, withdrew an arrow from the quiver on his back, and lodged the tip into the eye of another. Her and Fenris took out two more, and Varric's crossbow decimated three. With the assistance of a well placed fire spell from Anders, the fight was over before it had really began.

"Nathaniel Howe?" Hawke asked, assuming from his fighting skills he had to be the Warden they were looking for.

The not-so-helpless victim turned to Hawke, a gleam of recognition in his eyes. "The Champion of Kirkwall, are you not?" Nathaniel stated as he picked up his bow, securing it behind him.

Hawke gave a slight curtsy. "The one and only. How'd you know?"

"Rumor and assumption. You're the only one not a Warden who is crazy enough to come to a place like this," Nathaniel answered, pulling one of his arrows out of a tainted corpse and wiping the tip on his trousers. "Also the likeness to you and that hideous statue at the docks I saw when I arrived."

Hawke sighed. "Yes, not the most flattering sculpture, unfortunately."

"No, seeing you now I can't say that it was," Nathaniel said with a grin.

"Making friends as always I see," Anders replied, stepping out of the shadows behind Hawke.

Nathaniel's smile quickly faded as Anders walked closer to the group. "Anders?"

"The one and only," Anders replied.

"What manner of trickery is this?" Nathaniel asked Hawke, taking a step back. "Are you some kind of blood mage? Is he?"

Anders stopped his approach. "No, no blood magic. It's me Nathaniel."

"You died," Nathaniel whispered, shaking his head. "I saw the body, saw you, the arrow in the neck, the blood surrounding your unmoving corpse…"

Hawke whipped her head around to confront Anders. "Perhaps now would be a good time for an explanation? Is this the secret you've been keeping?"

"When Vigil's Keep fell to the darkspawn, I left. Unheroic, I know," Anders admitted. "But I've told you as much."

"And the whole being dead thing?" Hawke asked. "I must have missed that part of the story."

"His body was real, your body," Nathaniel continued, still disbelieving his eyes. "Badly burned, sure, but it was you. I know it was. I'd swear to it."

Anders moved closer toward Nathaniel, who in turn took another step back. "I placed my robes on an unfortunate soul who had already fallen to the darkspawn. Torched it beyond recognition, hoping to make it appear as if it were me. Even placed my earing on the man, to make it more convincing. This way I could disappear without the Wardens having a reason to search for me."

"Well it worked," Nathaniel stated. "We all thought you were dead. _I_ thought you were dead. And yet here you are."

"And this isn't at all awkward," Varric muttered behind Hawke.

"Hear me out," Anders pleaded with Nathaniel. "Give me a chance to explain, to make you understand why I had to do it."

In one swift action Nathaniel retrieved his bow and secured an arrow, pulling back the string in preparation. "There is no explanation you can give. We all assumed you dead, and dead you shall be again."


	5. Chapter 5

Hawke couldn't help but notice the intensity with which Nathaniel was staring down Anders. The bow in his hand was held steady, firm, not even a hint of apprehension or emotion. But as Hawke studied his face, the turmoil was clear in his eyes. She saw anger, hatred, a disgust for either Anders or himself, she wasn't quite sure. But lingering beyond the surface was pain, heartache, and his struggle to grasp the reality that his former lover was alive, and standing right in front of him.

The tension within the dark tunnels had reached a peak, so much so that even Varric held his breath. Anders remained still, returning the gaze set upon him by Nathaniel. Hawke didn't dare look at him, for fear of what his eyes would reveal to her. Had seeing Nathaniel revived something in him? Did he regret leaving the archer behind? She knew better than to even begin down that road. He was with her now, and even if he was quickly going through the memories of what he lost while being stared down by an arrow, Hawke had no doubt that by the end of the day, she'd be in his arms.

Assuming, of course, that Nathaniel didn't kill him first.

"Well then," Hawke began, growing a bit bored from the standoff. "It is quite clear you two need some alone time. We'll head back to Bodahn and Sandal, and you two can do...whatever it is you're going to do."

Anders did not turn to her in disbelief as he had wanted to, but he voiced his concerns. "You are really going to leave us like this?"

Hawke nodded to Varric and Fenris. "Yes. You two are grown men, try acting like it for Maker's sake. I am no mediator or babysitter. You're on your own."

Nathaniel shook his head, dropping his arms from his offensive stance. "No. No, I haven't the time for this. My companions and I were separated when we were attacked, and some of them may yet live. Anders may be able to turn his back on his brothers and sisters, but I will not."

"Wait," Anders pleaded as Nathaniel turned his back on them.

When Nathaniel continued without hesitation, Hawke placed a hand on Anders' shoulder. "Give me a moment with him. I'll make him see reason."

"There is nothing you can say," Anders said, his tone expressing his defeat. "He is a stubborn fool, I know he won't listen."

"With good reason," Hawke replied. "His friends are in danger, someone long thought dead shows up out of nowhere, and you wonder why he'd rather go fight things than sit here and have a chat catching up? Really Anders, he may be stubborn, but sometimes you are an idiot."

Fenris couldn't resist. "Sometimes?"

Anders ignored the elf, and was too late in responding to Hawke as she was already half the distance between the group and Nathaniel. He wondered what she was going to say to him, but knowing Hawke, she would be successful in her mission. Which prompted him to try and figure out what he could possibly say to Nathaniel to make things right.

**.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.**

Hawke was amazed at just how far Nathaniel had gone within the seconds he had departed. She jogged to catch up to the Warden, calling out to him to wait for her.

"I have nothing to say to you Champion," Nathaniel stated as he continued his stride. "You should turn back; I sense darkspawn in the distance, and it would not help my reputation to have you tainted by a genlock."

"Then stop for a second and talk to me," Hawke insisted. "Or I shall sprint on ahead and risk your precious reputation?"

Nathaniel paused his steps, turning to look at her. "You would be that reckless with your life just to speak to me? Anders must have enchanted you as well."

Hawke laughed, catching her breath from her sprint when she stopped. "Please, the man was falling down over me the moment we first met. If anyone enchanted anyone…"

"Alright," Nathaniel conceded. "I get it. Say what you have to say and be done with it. I have work to do."

"Anders was right about you, you are stubborn," Hawke said. "But I'm hoping he was also correct when he told me how close the two of you were, and that you had come to care for each other."

"Would you allow someone you cared for believe you were dead?" Nathaniel asked. "Pose a corpse to resemble you, knowing that person would assume the worst? No, Anders never cared for me, that much is clear. For me to waste no further time on him should not come as a surprise."

Hawke folded her arms across her chest. "Aren't you the least bit curious what we're doing down here?" she asked, trying a different approach. "Your sister, Delilah, asked us to come look for you."

"My sister?" Nathaniel questioned with concern. "Is she alright?"

Hawke nodded. "She's fine. Worried about you, however."

Nathaniel shook his head. "Delilah should not have troubled you with this task, I apologize. She's been a constant worrier since we reunited, no matter how many times I warn her that my life with the Warden's now is a dangerous one, and she should accept the fact that one day I may not return."

"That's a bit grim," Hawke stated. "She has reason to worry I suspect, since she told us that you volunteer for suicide missions, become reckless yourself. I believe she also mentioned how much you had changed since Vigil's Keep."

"It was not her place to say such things," Nathaniel remarked. "But she is my sister, which I suppose entitles her to care."

Hawke nodded. "I have a sister too. Annoying when they care so much, isn't it. Really Nathaniel, I didn't become Champion of Kirkwall on my good looks alone you know. It's clear to me your behavior is from losing someone you loved, and I can't imagine what it's like for you to see him again, but…"

"Correct, Champion," Nathaniel spat. "You can not imagine, so do not pretend to understand. Why are you even here pleading his case? Have you grown so tired of him you hope we'd what, reunite? Fall back into old feelings? I'd take him off your hands? You are mistaken, for I have closed that chapter of my life long ago."

"Clearly," Hawke said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "You need to let him explain Nathaniel. I can't do that for him, he was not clear with me in justifying his actions. But there is a lot you may not know, and need to hear, before you cast your old friend aside."

Nathaniel stared at her in disbelief. "Anders left, what part of that do you not get? He made that decision, he chose to abandon us all. I see no justification for that.

Hawke sighed as she grew frustrated with just how stubborn this Nathaniel Howe was. "You aren't the least bit curious as to why?"

"No," Nathaniel said. "Whatever his reasons, it will change nothing."

"Alright then," Hawke said. "If you can live with that regret, knowing you had a chance to ask him and didn't take it, then I'm done trying. I guess I'll let Justice know as well."

She turned to walk away, hopeful that the mention of Justice might peak his curiosity a bit further. She grinned silently to herself when she felt Nathaniel's hand on her shoulder. "Justice still exists? What does he have to do with this?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to ask Anders about that," Hawke stated, feeling triumphant that the Warden had taken the bait. "That is his story to tell, not mine."


	6. Chapter 6

Nathaniel followed Hawke reluctantly back to her group. His mind raced with thoughts of Justice, of their time together, curious as to what the spirit could possibly have to do with Anders abandoning him. Hawke refused to divulge any information, if she even knew anything, which had him growing more annoyed as they walked. Had Anders kept secrets from her? No doubt about that, he assumed, as Anders was the master at keeping secrets and telling lies. He wasn't even sure why he had bothered to let Hawke talk him into discussing anything with Anders.

And yet he continued walking.

As they approached Hawke's group of associates, Nathaniel took a moment to study those Anders now surrounded himself with. The dwarf seemed simple enough, a bit more robust and flashy than he was used to within the Wardens. The elf with the strange markings stood apart from the rest, on guard judging by his position, but his eyes remained fixated on the Champion. Longing for someone he could never have perhaps? Nathaniel pitied him, he knew that feeling well.

Anders' eyes grew wide as they came closer. Surprise that Hawke had convinced him to return? Maybe, which had Nathaniel wondering just what the mage was hoping to gain from this chat. A chance to justify his actions, sure, but what difference would it make? Anders had Hawke now, and Nathaniel… well he had no one, and had been perfectly content with that fact for quite some time. But still his feet and heart betrayed his mind, inching closer to his former lover with each passing second.

"I do not have the luxury of idle chatter while my brothers are in danger," Nathaniel protested, though he did not stop walking.

"We'll take care of that," Hawke said. "I know you're concerned about my life and your reputation and all that, but I promise, first sign of trouble, and we'll come get you."

Nathaniel sighed. If the inevitable were to occur, let it be now and be done with it, before the Wardens become aware of Anders' existence. "You'll return at once?" he asked her.

Hawke nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "I promise, we'll run from the creepy bad darkspawn if we see them. Or let them chase us to you, one or the other. You just do what you need to do," she said as she patted him on the back. "Closure, for the both of you. Champion's orders."

"I do not take orders from you," Nathaniel said.

"Figure of speech Nathaniel, sheesh." Hawke stopped when they reached Anders and Varric. "Okay, you two go play nice around the corner. We're going to hack...er...look for some blight creatures to play with."

Anders kept his gaze on Nathaniel as he commented to Hawke. "Be careful," he said softly.

Hawke rolled her eyes and gestured to Varric and Fenris to follow her. "Yes, because careful is my middle name. Don't kill each other while we're gone, kay?"

She didn't wait for an answer as she headed further into the Deep Roads with her companions, leaving Anders and Nathaniel alone to talk.

.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.

Nathaniel kept his back toward Anders, refusing to look at his former lover. Anders took the time to study the rogue; he'd lost weight since he last saw him. Leg muscles seemed tighter than he'd remembered, and he imagined the chest underneath the armor had become more chiselled. Distracting thoughts from the task at hand; even Justice stirred, impatient within, wanting this to be done with so it could be buried, another painful memory forgotten, the bigger picture much more important.

But in this moment of silence, there was nothing more important to Anders than being able to explain exactly what happened in Amaranthine, so many years ago.

Where to begin? Anders didn't know. Any confrontation with Hawke was always easier than this; she was never shy about her thoughts, her questions, or her accusations. Love him or hate him, Anders always knew every second of the day where he stood with her.

Nathaniel had always been much more complicated.

Guarded. Defensive. Unsure of himself, his position in Ferelden, the Wardens, their relationship. It was never easy for Nathaniel, and Anders knew he had made it that much harder on the rogue. But even so, he was there, now, standing in front of him, awaiting an explanation he thought he'd never get. Why would anyone expect something from the dead?

Anders gathered his courage to begin the conversation, but it was Nathaniel that broke the silence first. "Why?" he asked, desperation in his tone.

"I suppose starting off easy with something like 'how was your day' is out of the question?" Anders joked, though when Nathaniel turned to confront him, it was clear his old friend was not in a jovial mood.

"You're right, how dare I ask that of you," Nathaniel said sarcastically. "I don't suppose I deserve an explanation for your betrayal. But the Champion did mention Justice, and told me I should ask you about that."

Anders sighed. "Then that is your answer. If there was any reason for the betrayal, Justice would be it. This is not blood magic as you assumed. It is Justice, I am Justice, and he is me."

"You've joined with him?" Nathaniel asked, though in his heart he already knew the answer. "You joined…" he trailed off. Repeating the question would do no good, as the answer was clear in Anders' eyes.

"Justice said you were the one to put the thought in his head in the first place," Anders stated, feeling defensive under the tone with which Nathaniel posed the question.

"Are you trying to say that I am responsible for this?" Nathaniel asked, disbelieving what he was hearing. "I am the reason you joined with him?

Anders refused to commit a solid answer. "Did you not present him with the idea of possessing a willing host?"

"For myself!" Nathaniel shouted, before realizing his admission was spoken aloud.

Anders took a step back from the rogue. "You… you wanted to merge with Justice?"

Nathaniel ran a hand through his hair. "I considered it," he whispered.

"Why?" Anders asked, his thoughts running rampant in his brain. Justice was surprisingly silent.

"When I came to Amaranthine, I was lost, confused," Nathaniel told him. "I had a death wish and I didn't care who fulfilled my need to no longer exist. My attempt on the Warden's life didn't work. Went through the joining and survived. My father was dead, my home gone; this was before I found out my sister yet lived." He turned his back on Anders, taking a few steps away from the surprised glare of his former lover. "I asked Justice if it would be possible, to join with the living instead of a rotting corpse. I figured I was obviously no good at dying, but I wasn't much better at living. Perhaps the two of us combined could do something, mean something. Matter."

Anders placed a hand on Nathaniel's shoulder. "You _did_ matter."

Nathaniel shrugged away the gesture and turned to face him. "Yes. Our relationship made me rethink things, reconsider the offer I had made Justice. I feared he would change how I felt about you, how you made me feel, but apparently I wasn't important enough for you to do the same."

"It wasn't like that," Anders said. "Quite the opposite in fact. He convinced me that together we could make a difference. That I should strike a blow against my oppressors, make an effort to free all mages. With the protection of the Wardens it would be easier than as an apostate."

"And how was that going to benefit us?" Nathaniel asked.

"We would be free," Anders said, as if it were obvious. "Free from the mages, from the Wardens, free to go anywhere, do anything. No one would dare to come after us after an accomplishment like that."

"And so you merged with Justice," Nathaniel stated. "Without even asking how I felt about it."

"No," Anders countered. "I was going to talk to you, but then the darkspawn attacked. You were chosen to protect Amaranthine, and Justice and I were left behind to defend the Keep. He was outnumbered and fell in battle, his essence fading from existence, there was little time to decide. It had to happen then, or Justice would be gone forever."

"You should've let him die," Nathaniel said, not bothering to hide the anger in his voice.

"You're right," Anders agreed. "If I had only known…" Anders paused, not wanting to think about all the damage he had done since joining with Justice. Shaking his head, he finished telling Nathaniel what he thought he wanted to hear. "I had no control over myself at first," he said. "I was overwhelmed, consumed by him. It was Justice who dressed that man to look like me. It was Justice who fled. For days I struggled to regain control, but even when I did, our thoughts were one. There was no going back, not even for you, because I knew you would never accept me as I was, and I knew he would never allow it."

"You seem pretty in control now," Nathaniel stated.

Anders laughed. "You think so? Ask Hawke how in control I've been." He rested his elbows on his knees and covered his face with his hands.

"He's allowed your relationship with her," Nathaniel pointed out.

"Only because she supports our goal," Anders said looking up at him. "It is still a constant struggle, however, one I do not enjoy enduring."

"But you do endure it," Nathaniel said, his anger returning. "You maintain enough control for that relationship to exist. Yet you couldn't even contact me to let me know you were alive. For years I have lived in the darkness you put me in, and I pray every day for the Maker to end my suffering."

Anders stood and moved toward Nathaniel, reaching out a hand to his face. "Tell me how to fix this," he pleaded. "Tell me there is a way for me to make this right."

Nathaniel leaned into his touch, his anger fading immediately at the tenderness he had been longing for. He hated this man who stood before him, for what he had done, what he had put him through. And yet one touch from him, and his dark world was shining brightly. Nathaniel wondered if he could ever trust him again, ever allow him into his life again, and the heat of his skin upon his cheek told him that this was what he had been living for. "There is only one way," Nathaniel whispered, curious if Anders would give him what he wanted, what he needed, what he desperately hoped for.

"Sorry to interrupt," Hawke said, standing at the end of the corridor. Her stiff posture was more than enough to cause Anders to withdraw his hand quickly. "Just thought you'd like to know we found your fellow Wardens," she told Nathaniel. "If you hurry, a few may even survive."

"Take me to them," Nathaniel said, walking swiftly to meet her. Anders trailed behind slowly, avoiding the icy glare from Hawke as he turned the corner.


	7. Chapter 7

_Come back with me._ Nathaniel wanted to say it, nearly did, before Hawke had interrupted them. Now, as he sat among his brothers by the large fire, Nathaniel regretted not having the opportunity to do so.

The Wardens camped several paces from Hawke and her companions, but Nathaniel could still see Anders' face near the dancing flame. He hadn't dared look this way, most likely avoiding eye contact with Nathaniel, or Stroud. That reunion had not gone over well; Stroud accused Anders of abandonment, and Anders criticized Stroud for the losses the Wardens had suffered while retracing Hawke's steps in the Deep Roads. It was a fight that nearly came to blows until Nathaniel and Hawke stepped in. They left the darkened tunnels below as a group, but camped separately once they reached the surface.

 _Would he have said yes?_ Nathaniel wondered, uncertain if his former lover would have left his current one for him. Would Justice even allow such a thing? Just how powerful was the spirit's hold on the mage? And if the situation were reversed, if Anders had asked him to abandon the Wardens, would he?

So much time had passed since they were together, but seeing him now, knowing he was alive and only a few feet away, nearly tore Nathaniel in two. His body ached for Anders, to feel the closeness and warmth of his flesh once again. He had bedded no other male since, and only on rare occasions did he relieve his frustrations on some willing whore. For whatever reason, the Wardens seemed to have plenty of those on hand whenever needed, and many nights in different towns, Nathaniel found himself alone in a room with a woman, paid for by his superiors. Good for morale, great to release pent up energy, but to Nathaniel, those nights were harder than any battles he had faced.

The Wardens would be returning to Kirkwall for just that purpose; relief, relaxation, and rest. While Nathaniel would no doubt be in the company of some red-headed elven woman, Anders would be returning home with Hawke. She had the privilege of bathing him, removing the filth that the Deep Roads can leave on a person. She would be thorough, he knew because he would as well, and then they'd fall into bed together after so many nights without privacy. Nathaniel had little doubt where his thoughts would be as some whore saw to his needs.

None of this was going to help him get over Anders, again… He knew this. Especially staring at the mage now, with his new friends, living his new life. Anders was done with the Wardens, was done with him, and for a brief moment Nathaniel wished he never knew the truth. He was surviving, barely, thinking Anders dead. Now, to know he's alive and unattainable, hurt just as much, if not more.

"Howe!" Stroud's voice cut through his thoughts, and Nathaniel turned toward his superior. The man offered him a bowl of stew, but Nathaniel waved him off as he stood. Retreating to his bedroll instead of feasting with his brothers, Nathaniel closed his eyes and embraced the comfort of the familiar taint in the distance.

**.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.**

_It could never be what it once was._ Anders wasn't sure if his thoughts were his own, or if Justice was having some influence in his mind. So far his efforts to avoid looking at Nathaniel were not preventing him from thinking about the rogue. There was a moment in the Deep Roads when everything faded away, where it was just the two of them, oblivious to the world around them.

It was that safe, content feeling that Anders had missed. When he and Nathaniel were together, no harm would ever come to him. Anders cared little for anything else, wanting only those few precious moments in his lovers arms whenever possible. Before Justice, before the cause to free mages, before Hawke…

Anders didn't dare meet her intense gaze across the fire. He felt her eyes upon him, searching, questioning. When he had followed Karl to Kirkwall, he never imagined he would meet another that could make him feel safe again as Nathaniel had. But her strength, determination, sheer will alone had pulled him from the darkness he had felt since leaving Amaranthine and Nathaniel. She accepted Justice and all the torment that came with him, and despite every fall and flaw, Hawke loved him.

But there were some things Hawke would never understand about him. She knew nothing of being a Warden, or living with the taint inside you. How it can bring you to madness if you allow it to consume you. How every second brings you one step closer to your Calling. The nightmares he had endured, the horrors he had seen. They had shared many evils together since being in Kirkwall, but none could compare to broodmothers, or coming face to face with the Architect.

Nathaniel shared those nightmares. Knew every horrible creature he had seen as they fought side by side. Anders was there for Nathaniel's Joining, which was only a few days after his, and so they discovered their new strength and power together, as well as the torment and anguish it could bring. There was a pact made long ago that they would go to the Deep Roads together for their Calling; die together as they had been born Warden's together. For the first time in his life, Anders had no desire to run. He was content where he was; free to be a mage, Nathaniel by his side, no Templar could ever drag him to the Circle again.

Justice changed all that. Changed him. What Anders imagined his future to be was no more, regardless of how much a part of him still wanted it. Justice would never allow it. But for a brief moment in the Deep Roads, having Nathaniel within arms reach again... Anders wondered just how far he could push the spirit that raged inside him.

**.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.**

Upon entering the gates of Kirkwall, the two groups went their separate ways in silence. The Wardens made their way to the Blooming Rose, and Varric and Fenris quickly went in the direction of Lowtown for drinks. Nathaniel had asked Varric to get a message to his sister, that he was safe and would visit with her tomorrow before the Warden's departed.

Hawke and Anders remained silent as they walked toward her estate. Once home, Hawke ordered Orana to prepare two baths; one in her room for herself, and the other in the guest quarters for Anders.

"I assume you don't want to wait until I am finished," Hawke said as she walked up the stairs, not waiting for a reply.

Anders hadn't expected to bathe with her. She had been distant with him since the Deep Roads, and he wondered just how much she had heard before she interrupted his conversation with Nathaniel. She hadn't sent him away to his clinic, so as he washed up he prepared himself for the inevitable fight that was on the horizon. When she brought him a change of clothes nearly an hour later though, there was no sign of anger in her expression.

"Here, you'll need this," Hawke said, placing the robes on the guest bed. "And this," she added, dropping a small pouch that clinked with the sound of coin.

"Payment for services rendered?" Anders asked with a smile, hoping to lighten the awkward tension.

"In a matter of speaking," Hawke replied. "Take it to the Rose. Talk to Nathaniel. Find the closure that both of you still seek."

Anders began to protest. "Hawke, that's hardly necessary…"

"It's very necessary," she said as she handed him a towel. "This needs to be finished, one way or the other. My preference of course is that you return to me, free and clear of any guilt, anguish, or second thoughts on your decision. But should you wish to leave with him, there is enough coin to give you a start."

"Why are you doing this?" Anders asked, unclear as to what her motives were. Was this a test? Was he supposed to say no? Hawke had always been very straight with him, but he couldn't help thinking there was a right and wrong choice here.

"I will not be second best to anyone," she stated. "You should know that by now. I won't allow doubt in this relationship. You go to him, talk to him, be with him, whatever it takes. But if you to return to me, your past remains there. Begin again with him or say goodbye and be done with it; that is the choice you have in front of you, and only you can make it. Understood?"

"Is it that simple?" Anders asked.

"If you are no longer fully committed to us or your cause, you should not be here," Hawke told him.

"Now you sound like Justice."

Hawke smiled. "Perhaps that is the reason he has not killed me yet."

Anders nodded, and said nothing further as she exited the room. Hawke had always known what she wanted in life, and he found himself surprised that he hadn't anticipated this from her. This was his Hawke, so sure of life and every decision she had ever made. Accept it and move on, dwell on nothing, regret nothing, and the future will always be brighter. She had told him this many times, and now it was up to him to follow in her footsteps.

He quickly dressed, gathered the heavy pouch of coin, and walked briskly through Hightown to the Red Lantern district. When he entered the Blooming Rose, Anders saw a few Wardens lingering in the main area, but most, he assumed, were probably occupying the bedrooms of the brothel. After offering Madam Lusine four gold coins and a description of Nathaniel, he made his way up the stairs to the corner room, took a deep breath, and then opened the door.

Nathaniel was seated in the far corner of the room, thankfully fully clothed, sipping on a bottle of wine. A woman was dancing rather provocatively with the bedpost, and she gasped as Anders entered. He tossed another four coins on the bed, and ordered the whore to leave. "I was never here," he told her as she quickly gathered her shirt and his offering.

"No, no Messere, I ain't seen nothin'," she replied, hurrying in her departure. Anders closed the door as she left, and turned his gaze toward Nathaniel.

"What do you want Anders?" Nathaniel asked as he took another long sip of wine.

Anders walked across the room and sat on the bed. "To talk. Finish our conversation from the Deep Roads."

Nathaniel leaned forward in his chair. "We're finally alone, and all you want to do is talk?" he asked, staring intently at the mage.

"No," Anders admitted, turning away from Nathaniel. He wanted so much more, and none of it involved speaking. A part of him felt that just being in this room alone with Nathaniel was somehow a betrayal to Hawke, even if she had given him permission to do whatever was necessary to resolve his past. But another part of him wanted to forget all about Hawke and embrace Nathaniel; hold him, love him, be with him once more.

"That's what I thought," Nathaniel said. He set the bottle of wine on the floor and stood. "You asked me how you can fix this," he whispered, moving toward the bed. "I wonder the same. Years of torment, thinking you were dead, wanting to join you there… You tell me Anders? How do you make up for that?" Nathaniel asked, standing over him now.

Anders looked up at his former lover, his eyes burning with unshed tears. The anguish in Nathaniel's voice tore at the guilt he felt inside, and Anders wished for nothing more than to relieve that pain. "Anything you ask," Anders said. "I will do anything to have you forgive me."

Nathaniel maintained eye contact as he brought a shaky hand to Anders' cheek. "Would you spend the night with me?" he asked, his raspy voice revealing how nervous he was. "Is that even possible now, with the spirit that inhabits your soul?"

Anders could smell the wine on his breath as Nathaniel leaned forward. "My heart is my own," Anders replied, and he wrapped his arms around Nathaniel's neck. "And tonight I shall give it to you."

"And in the morning?" Nathaniel asked, his body already reacting to the closeness between them.

"I don't know," Anders replied. "Does it matter? We both want this, now. Tomorrow is a subject for tomorrow. Tonight I just want to be with you the way we used to be."

Nathaniel nodded his acceptance. "Another night with you… I never thought it possible again, but I have longed for it so many times. I imagined it so many times..."

Anders tried to look away, but Nathaniel wouldn't let him, holding his face now with both of his hands. Anders spoke, his voice husky with regret, "I am sorry. I know I've said it before, but I…"

"You don't have to say anything," Nathaniel said. "Just show me."

Anders leaned forward, meeting Nathaniel's lips with his own in a gentle kiss. The sweet taste of wine now lingered between them, and Anders laid back on the bed, bringing Nathaniel down on top of him.

Tomorrow would come too quickly for them both.


	8. Chapter 8

Empty. The bed, the familiar feel of the taint within, empty. He didn't bother to stretch an arm beside him to see if Nathaniel was still there. The Wardens had left, and Nathaniel went with them. The constant hum that flowed through his veins when near his former brothers was gone, leaving his body numb after so many days of the close contact.

Anders rubbed his eyes and opened them slightly, allowing for the adjustment of the bright morning sun through the windows. A knock at the door forced him to sit up, the blanket drifting with the movement and exposing his bare chest. "Go away," he grumbled, running his hand through his tousled hair.

His morning visitor ignored him and opened the door. "You can't be tellin' me to go away," Madam Lusine replied. "Unless you're wantin' to pay me for the day, clear out so I can prepare for the lunch crowd." She inhaled deeply, and then gave him a sly glance. "Someone had a good night," she said.

"And a quiet morning is too much to ask I suppose," Anders replied, pulling the blanket into his lap.

"Not gonna find that here I'm afraid," Lusine said as she opened one of the windows. "Your friends cleared out of here this morning," she informed him. "But your guest left you this," she said, retrieving a letter from her skirt pocket. She tossed it on the bed. "Read it on your own time, or pay me for mine."

Anders sighed. "Fine, some privacy then to get dressed?"

Lusine gathered three empty wine bottles from the table. "You think I haven't seen male bits before? Five minutes and your ass is downstairs, or I'll send up a few guys to motivate you." The bottles clinked as she moved them under one arm to close the door with the other.

As he dragged his exhausted body out of bed, Anders winced at the old familiar pain he felt from spending the night with man. He considered healing the ache to make movement easier, but found that it was a feeling he had missed too much to dismiss so quickly. He got dressed, wet his hair in the washroom and pulled it back into its usual style, and then made his way downstairs.

"Didn't expect to see you here," a familiar voice sounded from the bar. Anders groaned inwardly as he spotted Gamlen. "That niece of mine throw you out or somethin'?"

"Or something," Anders muttered as he joined him. He tossed a coin to the barkeeper and ordered a drink, hoping to erase the stale wine on his breath. "A bit early for you, isn't it?"

"Early or late, depending on how you look at it," Gamlen said. "If you don't tell her I was here, I won't tell her you was here. Deal?"

Anders nodded in agreement. There was no need to divulge to Gamlen that Hawke already knew he was at the brothel, and probably was also well aware of her uncle's frequent visits to the establishment. He only wished for the man to remain quiet long enough for Anders to finish his drink and return home. Thankfully Gamlen was a man easily distracted, and an elf passing by caught his attention. He winked at Anders, and then got up to pester the poor woman who was busy cleaning tables.

Finding himself now alone at the bar, Anders took the opportunity to read Nathaniel's letter. He was painfully aware of what it most likely contained; a final goodbye considering the man had left with the Wardens.

_Anders,_

_However cold your morning may have felt, it is nothing compared to the years I have spent enduring the same. One night can not erase the torment within, no matter how great it was. I nearly left you to wonder, considered disappearing without a word as you had done, but I am not like you. I could never be._

_No, now it is my choice to abandon you. To leave you in your days of need. I can not be as grandiose in my departure with a corpse that is not mine, but you know the life of a Warden. My death is already written, it's just a matter of time. My loyalty lies with the Wardens. I took an oath, vowed to stand beside them in the battle against the darkspawn. No matter my troubles or desires, I will never leave them, not even for you._

_Do not mistake my tenderness last night as forgiveness, for that is something I can not give at this time. Our actions were a mere glimpse into a past long buried, where you must remain if I am to continue on without you._

_For years you have been dead to me and the Wardens, and dead you shall be again. I will speak with Stroud, and convince him you were never seen in Kirkwall. That is all I am willing to do for you, and for Justice._

_Perhaps we'll meet again, when our fate finds us both._

_Nathaniel_

**.✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣✦✣.**  


Anders entered the Hawke estate filled with anxiety. Though she gave her permission for the events of last night, he couldn't help but wonder if his actions would have consequences. He rested his staff along the wall near the front door and moved through the foyer into the living room.

Bodahn and Sandal greeted him with energetic warmth. It helped put him slightly at ease; if Hawke had been in a foul mood, they would not be as welcoming. Anders instinctively took a step back when Hawke's mabari came running into the room and leapt up, bathing his unclean face with her tongue.

"Happy to see you too Tess," Anders said, fighting against the weight of the hound.

"Oh good, you're back," Hawke said as she descended the stairs from their bedroom. A large traveling bag was hanging on her shoulder, which she removed and tossed to the floor. "We're leaving for Chateau Haine this afternoon, that is if you are up for the trip."

"Duke Prosper's place?" Anders asked. "Why in the Maker's name would we go there?"

Hawke laughed. "Pompous Orlesian, I know. Not necessarily my choice, but I can explain on the way. That is, assuming, your business has been concluded?"

Anders shifted uncomfortably. "It's finished," he confirmed for her. "Do you not want to talk about it?"

"'Finished' is all I needed to hear," Hawke stated. "Grab some clothes and let's be off. I can't wait to introduce you to our new friend."

* * *

_Six months later, in a small tavern outside Starkhaven..._

"I never got the chance to thank you," Hawke said. "For your assistance in the fight. I still have no idea what you were doing there, but taking down Meredith would've been a lot harder without your timely assistance."

Nathaniel took a sip of his ale. "Picking up correspondence for the Wardens," he said casually. "I was just outside the gates when I saw the explosion."

"Yes," Hawke sighed. "The handiwork of an angry mage and a righteous spirit. I still can't believe they took it so far, killing hundreds of innocents in the process. After all the good he did, all the lives he saved, why Anders chose that path I will never understand."

"Justice chose for him," Nathaniel stated. "Anders alone never would have done such a thing."

"And now they're both dead," Hawke said, knocking back the rest of her drink.

"Remember," Nathaniel said, "I once thought him dead too. I'd put money on this being another one of Anders' grandiose schemes to flee, and in a few years you'll see him again."

"I almost wish that were true, just so I could kick his ass for his stupidity," Hawke said. "But you were there Nathaniel. You saw me plunge the blade into his spine."

"It is true. I'm sure of it, regardless of what I saw," he said. "And when that day comes, when he comes waltzing back into your life as if nothing has happened, come find me. We'll share a drink to us both being played by that fool."

"Or toast to a dear friend lost."

"Yes," Nathaniel smiled weakly. "That too."

Hawke stood and kissed him on the cheek. "Take care of yourself Nathaniel. It was good seeing you again."

"And you as well," he said, and watched as she exited the tavern.

Seconds later, a hooded figure came up to Nathaniel from behind. "She looks better than I thought," the man said. "Though I had a feeling she'd make it out of Kirkwall unscathed."

"Yes, she is the Champion after all," Nathaniel said, turning to the man in dark robes. "Now let us leave before the Wardens arrive. I do not wish for them to find us here."

"After you," the man gestured with a hand extended toward the door.

Nathaniel shook his head. "I don't think so. You stay in front where I can see you."

"Still afraid I'm going to leave you again?" the man asked.

A small frown turned Nathaniel's lips, but there was a slight twinkle in his eye. "No Anders, I just like the view from back here." He gave him a playful tap on his rear, and the two men left together, disappearing into the night.

_**✣✦~ _The End~✦✣_  
** _


End file.
